Since my separation in 2013 and divorce in 2016, I have struggled with doing things by myself. It’s always great to get together with friends or family, but those times are sadly the exception rather than the rule. Most of the time I find myself alone. And more often than not, my urge to go out and do something is defeated by my hesitancy to be out at an event by myself.
Part of the motivation for my summer homeless tour has been to force myself to get out on my own. I’ve been traveling alone, going to attractions by myself, and visiting restaurants and bars all by my lonesome. Let me tell you about an experience that prompted me to push myself out on my own this summer.
A couple of years ago, I attended a play that was part of a book fair in my little town. I’ve always loved the theater, but I haven’t gone to a play or musical in several years. When I saw that the highly-acclaimed one-woman play Cake was coming to my area, I decided to go.
I was excited about attending the play right up until the day before the performance. When the play was off in the distance, I could focus on my desire to see it. But when it was almost time to go, my reluctance to not do things alone kicked in. I started dreading going to the theater, sitting by myself, and feeling self-conscious, which I knew from previous experience would surely happen.
When it was time to go to the play, I began trying to talk myself out of it. What difference did it make if I saw the play? I could just stay home and not have to deal with the discomfort. I heard a saying once that it is always easier to do nothing than it is to do something, but it is rarely as satisfying. I was tired of doing nothing, so I forced myself out the door and to the theater.
The play was good. I enjoyed it despite my discomfort and my certainty that everyone was staring at me (they weren’t). As I was leaving the theater, I vowed to start getting out on my own more often.
And then I didn’t. It was too easy to just sit at home by myself. Sure, I’d go for the occasional dinner alone, but doing so usually felt awkward and uncomfortable. I was disappointed in myself, and I knew that I needed to start living life and again be the social creature I once was.
That’s where my summer trip comes in. I knew that traveling alone would force me out into the world. I’d be going to new places, meeting new people, and I’d usually be doing it by myself.
When I got to the cabin in northern Wisconsin, I was surprised that it was as far from Mercer as it was. It took me about 25 minutes to get into town, and about an hour to Minocqua if I wanted to go to a bigger store or have more shopping options. The cabin was secluded back in the woods on Turtle-Flambeau Flowage, and it would have been easy to treat it like a hideaway, spending all my time there. And I admit, there were times I wanted to stay there, feeling the pull of doing nothing rather than something. But I fought the urge and made myself go into town at least once each day.
Most of my days were spent writing. After moving from location to location every few days for the summer, it felt good to be in one place for three straight weeks. I got a ton of work done, and every morning, after my walk, I looked forward to sitting down and writing again.
I often went into town for lunch, sometimes just to break up the day. And although I ate most of my meals at the cabin, I did go into town several times for dinner. Although I was eating by myself, I was also around other people, which felt good.
Then there were the times I went into town just to have a drink or three. This is something I have rarely done in the past. I’m a social drinker, but I almost never drink by myself. Even so, I wanted to be around other people, to talk and tell jokes. If you’re single you probably know this already, but after a divorce or death of a spouse, life can get pretty lonely. In fact, loneliness in the United States is currently at epidemic levels. And doctors say that it can really damage our health, especially as we get older. I don’t want to let that happen. So, I forced myself to go out for a drink and socialize, even when I wasn’t feeling the urge. I’m glad I did.
During my stay in Mercer, while I was out eating and drinking, I befriended the owner and hostess at my favorite restaurant in town, met and eventually won over the least friendly bartender in Wisconsin (he’s really not unfriendly, just kind of introverted), and met a couple named Greg and Jen (my second set of “Greg and Jen” named friends) that I had a wonderful conversation with. We even exchanged email addresses so we could stay in touch. And while all this was happening, the discomfort of being alone dissipated, and at times, even became a joke.
I can’t claim that my time in Mercer cured the discomfort I feel when I go out by myself, but it helped. Will I start going out to concerts, plays, restaurants, etc. by myself in the future? That remains to be seen. What I do know is that the prospect of going out alone doesn’t seem so daunting anymore. I’m still not crazy about the idea, but I know I won’t resist it as much as I have in the past. And that’s a good thing.
Good for you. Keep pushing yourself, just one of those times when you are sitting at a table, there maybe someone sitting alone too. No one is meant to do this life alone. We need people we need interaction. I’m about to retire in two weeks and I’m nervous about that because I’ve worked my entire life. I live in a 50s plus community with a lot of activities, but I don’t find myself as outgoing as I used to be. I really have to push to meet people. I have many plans to do so. So is your next stop Tennessee? Proud of you buddy, good luck on future endeavors. Keep writing and maybe keep logging. I enjoy reading.!